Millions drown as lifeguards preoccupied filming Bondi Rescue

Over a million people have died in a horror summer at Bondi beach, where lifeguards have been preoccupied with filming new episodes of Channel Ten’s Bondi Rescue.

“Unfortunately, not all rescues make for good TV, and we have to prioritise those that do,” one Bondi lifeguard said.

“If you plan on visiting our beach and are not a strong swimmer, ensure you’ve got a fit rig and a decent tan. We air at dinnertime, you know.”

A Waverley Council spokesperson has labelled the deaths as “unfortunate but unavoidable collateral damage in the name of entertainment”, noting that “an entire episode full of lifeguards rescuing ugly people makes for dull viewing”.

“People want to know more about the lifeguards’ personal lives or watch them hoon around on a beach buggy looking for a tidy bit of crumpet,” he said.

Bondi Rescue is set to return to Channel Ten this year unless The Project bankrupts the station entirely.

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