The New South Wales government has today announced its plan to cull 2,000 hasslers spruiking charities and gyms on Sydney streets, in a bid to control the population of this species.

It’s necessary to execute a number of street hasslers to ensure they don’t surpass pedestrians, a NSW government conservation specialist said, noting that super-fit gym hasslers were particularly out of control and hard to outrun this time of year.

“We know for a fact that over-abundant numbers of street hasslers can lead to the complete wiping out of modern civilisation,” he said. “People tend to go on a murderous spree if they’re publicly shamed by a backpacker more than 10 times within one journey. We aim to lower the number of hassles to about six per commute.”

No activist groups or university students have announced plans to protest the controlled killing of 2,000 street hasslers, the first time any move by the government hasn’t been protested against since 1960.

The skin and meat of culled street hasslers will be sold to bánh mì shops across Sydney.