Beyond Blue has made a public appeal for people returning to work after the holidays to stop calling its hotline, saying the glut of depressed returnees has resulted in wait times of up to nine hours.

“It’s totally normal to feel borderline suicidal when returning to work,” a Beyond Blue spokesperson said. “It’s actually a sign of good mental health. In fact, we encourage anyone who isn’t feeling that way to call us or 000 immediately.”

To help stem the flood of calls, the organisation has released a survival guide listing the amount of drugs and alcohol recommended for each profession.

The guidelines suggest office workers start work days with 10 Valium tablets and a Queensland coffee (see recipe below), while tradies are advised to simply avoid tapering off any drugs and alcohol after New Year’s Eve.

The full guide will be available at all good pubs, bottle shops and drug dealers.

Queensland Coffee
Schooner of Bundaberg Rum
Coffee (optional)