Pharmacies across the globe are reporting a sudden and severe shortage of Ritalin. Sources close to the Biden administration confirm that the entire supply has been commandeered in a desperate bid to keep President Joe Biden alert and articulate during his upcoming debate with Donald Trump.

Eyewitnesses claim to have seen White House aides frantically blending Ritalin into Biden’s morning smoothies, while pharmaceutical companies are working overtime to meet the unprecedented demand. Even Hunter Biden’s alleged connections couldn’t secure more of the coveted medication.

“Look, man, this debate is crucial,” Biden reportedly told insiders. “We need to keep the train on the tracks and my thoughts out of the station.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s camp has raised no concerns over the shortage, confident that their candidate’s natural verbosity and energy will more than suffice. Rumours suggest Trump might even bring his own secret weapon: a double espresso and a Big Mac.