Controversial Australia Day draft set to debut In Melbourne

This Australia Day is set to see Melbourne debut a new draft, aimed at celebrating Australia’s multicultural history by ranking the population based on their ethnic and historical ties to the nation. The Australia Day Draft will base each individual’s ranking upon the length of time they’ve been Australian citizens, with recent arrivals considered either… Read More Controversial Australia Day draft set to debut In Melbourne

Twitter users getting shredded by “literarily shaking right now”

Twitter users are getting in phenomenal physical shape, burning thousands of calories “literally shaking right now” over everything for hours. One user said the results had been nothing short of sorcery. “Every area of my body was a problem area,” said the Twitter user and moderator of r/Australia. “But the weight has been melting after… Read More Twitter users getting shredded by “literarily shaking right now”

Cartels step in to sponsor the Australian Diamonds after pressure to ditch “evil” coal funding

The deal will see Australia’s netball team renamed the Blood Diamonds in a move to sound ruthlessly aggressive, rather than convey deadly fourth-world mining practices using child labour. “Coal has nothing to do with the Australian Diamonds,” said a Netball Australia spokesperson, referring to ditching Hancock Prospecting as a major sponsor. “Sure, coal under pressure… Read More Cartels step in to sponsor the Australian Diamonds after pressure to ditch “evil” coal funding

Walt Disney recast as a black trans lesbian with a club foot

Disney has announced they have recast their founder Walt Disney to suit today’s regressive tastes. “We’ve transitioned from entertainment to re-education,” said Disney spokesperson Peter Phile (alphabet/Funko Pop). “We’ll be tearing down statues of Walt Disney across all our theme parks and erecting family-friendly statues of Walt as a transgender lesbian of colour with a… Read More Walt Disney recast as a black trans lesbian with a club foot

Sane people gluing themselves to activists to end climate protests

Citizens have begun gluing themselves to climate activists so they’re under constant restraint to prevent further chaos. One man who recently cemented himself to a purple-haired climate soldier said that despite being constantly shamed for everything from eating a ham sandwich to raising children, it’s been worth it. “I’d rather this pest was glued to… Read More Sane people gluing themselves to activists to end climate protests

Monday comes out as time fluid to identify as Friday night

The most despised day of the week, Monday, has today come out as Friday night in a move labelled stunning and brave. “I’m sick and tired of the Gregorian patriarch introduced in 1582 as a way to dominate, oppress and exploit myself as the day people have to return to work,” Monday said. “And frankly,… Read More Monday comes out as time fluid to identify as Friday night

Twitter adds “thought CAPTCHAs” to protect users from opposing thought

Twitter today has announced a new security measure by adding thought CAPTCHAs to block ideas or arguments that challenge the leftist echo chamber safe space before they happen. “Our thoughts and opinions are so airtight that we simply can’t allow exposing our users to other viewpoints,” said one Twitter representative. “So, it’s best we cancel… Read More Twitter adds “thought CAPTCHAs” to protect users from opposing thought

Woman wearing “Love is Love” badge hates everybody

It has been confirmed today that an inner-city straight white female wearing several “Love is Love” badges, in fact, hates everybody. One gay man said he was met with scorn from the self-proclaimed spreader of tolerance for “not being gay enough”. “She said I was a sexuality traitor after I told her I have zero… Read More Woman wearing “Love is Love” badge hates everybody

Woke fail as NRL jersey depicting Muhammad rejected by everybody

Another move intended to make Rugby League teams look good by pandering to minority groups has failed today, as the Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs revealed their new jerseys for Islam Round – featuring an image of the Prophet Muhammad – offended everybody in Australia. Visual depictions of the Prophet Muhammad are banned, leading to every single player… Read More Woke fail as NRL jersey depicting Muhammad rejected by everybody