Tag: Newtown

Sydney put in lockdown after five Greenies escape their Newtown enclosure

Five members of the Greens Party escaped their Newtown enclosure today, forcing Sydneysiders into safe zones to avoid Marxist propaganda. The Greens, all identifying as genders we’ve never heard of before, instantly started gluing themselves across Sydney. A Newtown Containment Zone spokesperson told reporters the escape was traumatic for normal people and the Greenies themselves.… Read More Sydney put in lockdown after five Greenies escape their Newtown enclosure

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Being as Weird as Possible Not the Same as Being Creative, Study Finds

Creating random, collage-style film clips using every technique learned at art school does not make you a creative genius, a new study has found. The CSIRO study, conducted by a brave scientist who agreed to endure a marathon A Clockwork Orange-style viewing of Rage, found that being strange for the sake of being strange and a misunderstanding of… Read More Being as Weird as Possible Not the Same as Being Creative, Study Finds

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Woman Denounces Vegetarian Lifestyle After Learning Cheeseburgers Contain Meat

A Sydney woman who has described herself to anyone who will listen as “a devout vegetarian” for the past 20 years has had to renounce her dietary beliefs after discovering she had been inadvertently eating meat the whole time. “I was shocked to discover cheeseburgers aren’t vegetarian – what a misleading name,” the woman said.… Read More Woman Denounces Vegetarian Lifestyle After Learning Cheeseburgers Contain Meat

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Lefty Rooms Open to Allow Far Left to be Offended and Protest in Peace

The NSW Government has today announced that it would open “lefty rooms” in the suburbs of Newtown and Surry Hills to give the far left a safe place to be offended by everything or conduct a protest in peace. “The problem with many lefty protests is that people with opinions that differ from them show… Read More Lefty Rooms Open to Allow Far Left to be Offended and Protest in Peace

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Calls for Warning Labels on Avocados as the Fruit Smashes People Back

The fruit responsible for preventing people from being able to afford waterfront mansions in Sydney is continuing its reign of terror by causing brunch-lovers to slice their own hands open, experts have warned. “The avocado has a natural booby-trap built in to protect themselves from hipster folk,” a government health spokesperson said. “When a bearded… Read More Calls for Warning Labels on Avocados as the Fruit Smashes People Back

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The Nightmare After Christmas: Newtown Burns as Girl Gifted Doll

A state of emergency has been declared in New South Wales as riots reach their second day in Newtown after a young girl was gifted a doll from Santa Clause this Christmas. The violent protests began shortly after Christmas morning when the girl’s parents watched in horror as their daughter gleefully ripped open the gift… Read More The Nightmare After Christmas: Newtown Burns as Girl Gifted Doll

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Australian Hipsters Celebrate Thanksgiving as Christmas Becomes “Too Mainstream”

One Surry Hills local who hasn’t left his home suburb since visiting Bondi to renew his Icebergs membership, is among a growing number of Australians planning to celebrate the American tradition of Thanksgiving this week. “Everyone in Australia does Christmas – it’s so predictable,” the man said. “I’ve never been to America and I don’t know any… Read More Australian Hipsters Celebrate Thanksgiving as Christmas Becomes “Too Mainstream”

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