Greens push to legalise hard drugs so people will be cooked enough to vote for them

The Greens today has announced a new push to make illicit drugs from cocaine to heroin completely legal. “You should be able to pop down to your local convenience store to pick up an eight ball of fentanyl,” said one Greens senator. “Illicit drugs open your mind to believe everything we say”. Others disagree. “If… Read More Greens push to legalise hard drugs so people will be cooked enough to vote for them

Petrol sniffers forced to cut costs and switch to cocaine

With today’s eye-watering price of gasoline, petrol sniffer enthusiasts across Australia have been forced to switch to more cost-effective life relief like cocaine. “These ludicrous price hikes have hit hard-working Australian battlers where it hurts – right in the soberness,” said one user who wishes to remain anonymous. “Although, I have saved some coin by… Read More Petrol sniffers forced to cut costs and switch to cocaine

Nervous Start to Christmas Party as Colleagues Wonder who has Cocaine

It’s been a nerve-shattering start to an office Christmas party today as colleagues begin guessing and probing each other to discover who has a bag of white Christmas. One staffer said he was living on an edge harder than anything Aerosmith ever sang about. “I had to have about 70 or so schoons of port… Read More Nervous Start to Christmas Party as Colleagues Wonder who has Cocaine

Winfield Launches Optimum Ice Crush cigarettes

Winfield has described its new Optimum Ice Crush darts as “smokes for a new generation” at a product launch today. The durry features the similar NASA-developed technology as the brand’s Optimum Crush product, which contains a crushable mint pellet that releases a menthol-like taste from first to last drag. A spokesperson said evolving the popular line… Read More Winfield Launches Optimum Ice Crush cigarettes

Proud Parents Make it through End-of-year School Assembly without Drugs or Alcohol

The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol. “It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think… Read More Proud Parents Make it through End-of-year School Assembly without Drugs or Alcohol

WestConnex “Drug Super High Way” to be Extended to Bondi Beach

The controversial WestConnex motorway project has been secretly extended to create an express route from Sydney’s western suburbs to Bondi Beach after researchers found it was the journey most frequently made by “private couriers”, a special Sydney Sentinel investigation can reveal. The extension, dubbed the “drug super high way”, is described as “key to both ensuring the… Read More WestConnex “Drug Super High Way” to be Extended to Bondi Beach

Whoops! Healthy Harold Didn’t Warn Kids About Ice as he “Didn’t Think it Was That Good”

Healthy Harold has copped an unadulterated roasting today after admitting he didn’t bother warning 1990s and ’00s kids about ice because he never enjoyed it that much, so he thought it wouldn’t catch on. This isn’t the first time Harold’s underestimated a drug – he was famously transformed into an enormous giraffe puppet after drinking… Read More Whoops! Healthy Harold Didn’t Warn Kids About Ice as he “Didn’t Think it Was That Good”

Friends Relieved as Regular Junkie Becomes Steroid-taking Gym Junkie

A Sydney banker has become the pin-up boy for white-collar-style addiction recovery after switching from heroin to more socially accepted drugs. “We were all so worried when he was shooting up loser drugs like heroin and we’re so impressed he’s turned his life around like this,” one colleague said. “Now he only injects steroids into… Read More Friends Relieved as Regular Junkie Becomes Steroid-taking Gym Junkie

Huey’s Cooked Adventures Explores Australia’s Top Party Spots

Channel Seven will bring Huey back to our screens this month as he explores Australia’s festival, pub, club and dodgy mate’s lounge room scene devouring jaw watering amounts of drugs. “The only thing I’ll be cooking on my new program is myself,” Huey confirmed. “People thought I was on the nose clams anyway thanks to… Read More Huey’s Cooked Adventures Explores Australia’s Top Party Spots