Workers Return from Holidays Feeling Refreshed Hatred for their Jobs

Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office. One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the… Read More Workers Return from Holidays Feeling Refreshed Hatred for their Jobs

Poor Kids on Santa’s Naughty List for 4,000th Year Straight

Poor kids are simply not as nice as their wealthy counterparts, it has been proven once again this morning, with children from low-income families receiving far fewer presents than those from rich families. “Santa couldn’t be clearer on the issue; if you’re on the nice list you get the good presents and lots of them,… Read More Poor Kids on Santa’s Naughty List for 4,000th Year Straight

Man Who Bought Distant Relative Instant Scratchie Hoping he Doesn’t Win

A Sydney man who thoughtlessly stuffed a few scratchies into a birthday card to give to a distant relative during Christmas lunch is now really hoping the recipient doesn’t win anything more than $2. “I’d be fucking spewing if he wins anything good,” the man said. “To think all that cash could’ve been mine, but… Read More Man Who Bought Distant Relative Instant Scratchie Hoping he Doesn’t Win

Australia Post Claims Wrongly Delivered Mail Result of Nationwide Secret Santa Program

Australia Post has been deliberately sending the wrong mail to people across the country for years as part of a top-secret nationwide secret Santa program, according to a statement released by the company’s PR team today. “We’ve been secretly bringing the magic of Christmas to people all throughout the year for as long as we… Read More Australia Post Claims Wrongly Delivered Mail Result of Nationwide Secret Santa Program

Drug Dealers Selling Berocca for $300 a tab

Chemists are taking advantage of today’s spike in Christmas-party hangovers by charging dull-eyed customers up to $300 for a single tablet of Berocca. One office worker who has yet to go to bed after enjoying “a few beers” at his Christmas party, which began yesterday morning and continued on into the afternoon, evening and then… Read More Drug Dealers Selling Berocca for $300 a tab

Nervous Start to Christmas Party as Colleagues Wonder who has Cocaine

It’s been a nerve-shattering start to an office Christmas party today as colleagues begin guessing and probing each other to discover who has a bag of white Christmas. One staffer said he was living on an edge harder than anything Aerosmith ever sang about. “I had to have about 70 or so schoons of port… Read More Nervous Start to Christmas Party as Colleagues Wonder who has Cocaine

Proud Parents Make it through End-of-year School Assembly without Drugs or Alcohol

The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol. “It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think… Read More Proud Parents Make it through End-of-year School Assembly without Drugs or Alcohol

Man Dies from Shock after Receiving Bobs and Vagene Pics

A man died from category-12 shock in front of his computer today after actually receiving the “bobs and vagene pics” he had asked a stranger to send him. A friend of the man said he was just a harmless sex pest who would be missed. “He always started out innocently enough with a ‘hi butiful’ or… Read More Man Dies from Shock after Receiving Bobs and Vagene Pics

Calls to Ban Santa for Choosing to be a White Heterosexual Male

Santa Claus has been labelled as highly offensive for choosing to be a white heterosexual male, with furious protest groups demanding him to be banned immediately. “We’ve put up with this macho Santa garbage since the third century,” one person with crippling offended pains said. “We’ve gone to great lengths to ensure that the non-denominational… Read More Calls to Ban Santa for Choosing to be a White Heterosexual Male