Children’s author Roald Dahl’s timeless classics have been deemed no longer up to scratch with modern times and will now only be available sealed in black plastic within the deepest corners of adult stores amongst marital aids and vibrating trouts.

One parent said the move was more overdue than they/them’s expecting husband.

“Roald Dahl described Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’s Augustus Gloop as fat, which is racist,” said the parent. “Plus, Willy Wonka was homophobic for not having sex with any Oompa Loompas, despite his name suggesting he must have gotten a bit wacky with his willy.”

A single and childless inner-city white man agreed with the parent’s concerns.

“The lack of gay sex with multiple partners in Roald Dahl’s books is disgusting and not fit for children,” said the man via Twitter. “Roald Dahl is literally J.K Rowling.”

The BFG has also been criticised for white privilege by teaching children that white men are giants, standing over all other races.

“If anything, The BFG should have been The BBC, starring a friendly black man with a long penis,” said another insane person. “That would be far more suitable for drag queens to read to children.”

Roald Dahl’s classics have been labelled dirtier than a straight porno for teaching children that poor behaviour leads to poor outcomes.

“Children need to be taught that if anything bad happens in their life, it’s not their fault, and they’re simply victims of Rupert Murdoch, capitalism or boomers,” said another idiot.

Mr. Men books are on high alert.