This Australia Day is set to see Melbourne debut a new draft, aimed at celebrating Australia’s multicultural history by ranking the population based on their ethnic and historical ties to the nation.

The Australia Day Draft will base each individual’s ranking upon the length of time they’ve been Australian citizens, with recent arrivals considered either “invader” or “invader-adjacent”, closely followed by “barbarians”- ancestors of the pioneers who colonised Australia between the arrival of the First Fleet in 1788 and the conclusion of World War 2.  

However, in good news for those of any non-Christian faith, they will be automatically assigned a higher ranking, “as it would be racist to discriminate” said Melbourne’s Minster of Sorry, Ms Sally Upton-Smythe, during a press conference yesterday. “So far the only complaints we’ve had are from Christian conservatives who get defensive when it is pointed out that they are directly responsible for all the division and misery this country has endured since colonisation”.

However people like Spiro Karatakos, an Australian citizen since emigrating from his native Greece in 1980, fears the draft will see people like himself disadvantaged overnight:

“I’m sure to be near the bottom of the draft,” said Mr Karatakos, a project manager who has spent the last 40 years helping to build Melbourne’s infrastructure.

“But at least I’m not white, they’ll likely be considered as plants rather than human beings.” This refers to a conspiracy theory that Aboriginal people were classed under the “Flora and Fauna Act” pre-1967, since disproven by media channels like Sky News and the ABC.

In further development, dinosaurs are set to protest their omission from the new draft, despite inhabiting the land-mass when Tasmania was still joined to the mainland and before any human beings.