“Tough guy” who killed 25 terrorists traumatised from brother giving him daily swirlies

Prince Harry has stated in his new book that despite being a super soldier that killed 25 terrorists, he had no defence from his brother dunking his head in the toilet.

The bullshit artist formerly known as Prince, who has converted to victimism, said despite being such a tough guy himself, his brother was a royal bully who even once punched him in the shoulder, resulting in four months in hospital.

“Everybody but me is evil,” said Harry. “Once even the Queen pants me when I wasn’t wearing underwear, which resulted in criticism for having the smallest crown jewels in the Royal family.”

Prince William has fired back at the claims.

“I should have bullied him more,” said Prince William. “Perhaps he wouldn’t have been such a beta if I lovingly locked him in a closet, gave him Chinese burns, or even fed him to Happy Gilmore (referring to Jewish actor Adam Sandler) for donning a Nazi uniform.”

Sources have further said that Harry’s bald patch is not genetic, yet from Meghan’s thumb being firmly planted above his noggin at all times.

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