Oh-oh! Local man’s four girlfriends discovered to be OnlyFans subscriptions

A local “panty dropper” with four girlfriends was busted today after discovering his “girlfriends” were OnlyFans subscriptions.

OnlyFans, a service that provides blokes who couldn’t even score a hug in a brothel with a girlfriend for a monthly fee, is having some professors calling for a giant asteroid to get this humanity experiment over and done with before things get worse.

The Minister for Rooting agrees that OnlyFans has been only bad news.

“Today’s men are so weak they can’t even answer a phone call, so what hope do they have approaching and talking to a girl in real life?”

The current state of cowardly men has also been bad for women.

“I went to the bar completely nude last night,” said one attractive single woman. “Yet, not one man dared to even look at me, let alone say hello. I even bent over more times than Daniel Andrews does to China.”

However, some don’t put all the blame on young men.

“Young men worry that even raising an eyebrow to a girl they fancy could have them done for sexual assault,” said a judge currently overseeing a case where a young man asked a girl to the movies.

The Greens, however, have praised OnlyFans.

“We’re hoping OnlyFans leads to net-zero reproduction, which will make the weather betterer.”

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