The government today has replenished its dwindling trained schoolteachers with drag queens, who promise to groom children into “rainbows of love”, despite having zero experience as teachers, let alone knowledge of basic biology.

The Greens have worshipped the move, calling it the best thing since cancel culture.

“Regular teachers spruik useless junk like maths and science,” said one Greens spokesperson. “Our children need to be programmed with gender theory, climate change, and identity politics. Plus taught their LGBTQIA+s.”

Parents, however, aren’t so thrilled.

“Instead of netball or soccer, my girl is now practising twerking in PE,” said one parent. “And half of her day is full of smoking ceremonies and Welcome to Country speeches, leaving little time for actual learning.”

One child was horrified when her drag queen teacher personally showed her where’s “wally” during story time.