The ABC today has found itself stuck between a lump of coal and a Magda Szubanski after returning ISIS soldiers receive an Unwelcome to Country ceremony from Aboriginal Elders.

“We have no idea who to support here as we worship both groups due to their high scores on our minority ranking system,” said one noodle-scratching ABC reporter.

“Maybe we’re best to ignore the whole thing and simply run a scathing story slamming Donald Trump for not being as loving to children as (peace be upon him) Joe Biden?”

Non-ABC viewers side with the Aboriginal Elders.

“While I’m sure the returning ISIS children will excel at chemistry, I don’t want my non-military trained children sitting anywhere near them at school.”

In preparation for importing ISIS soldiers who changed their minds after losing the war, schools will receive a $34.6b bomb-proofing stimulus for all its classrooms.