Cartels step in to sponsor the Australian Diamonds after pressure to ditch “evil” coal funding

The deal will see Australia’s netball team renamed the Blood Diamonds in a move to sound ruthlessly aggressive, rather than convey deadly fourth-world mining practices using child labour.

“Coal has nothing to do with the Australian Diamonds,” said a Netball Australia spokesperson, referring to ditching Hancock Prospecting as a major sponsor. “Sure, coal under pressure turns into diamonds, but we’d rather focus on the end product, which rich people like because they sparkle. [Giggles]”

Players agree.

“Diamonds are hard, and so are the lives brave children work under to unearth such beautiful rocks,” adding, “the fierce and brutal way diamonds are mined in foreign countries reflects our motto of being cutthroat on the court. Netball isn’t a game to us. It’s a warzone.”

Since ditching coal, night games will be played under complete darkness due to the lack of power to turn the lights on.

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