Citizens have begun gluing themselves to climate activists so they’re under constant restraint to prevent further chaos.

One man who recently cemented himself to a purple-haired climate soldier said that despite being constantly shamed for everything from eating a ham sandwich to raising children, it’s been worth it.

“I’d rather this pest was glued to me, rather than the road, so that I can drive to the office each morning without being slowed down by human speed bumps. It’s like I have a conjoined twin. Yet unlike twins, we don’t think alike, and I’m pretty sure she suffers from Tourette syndrome screeching everything from “Nazi” to “bigot” because I have a real job in a real workplace.”

Things have been more favourable for one woman who affixed a Peta-file to her back with Clag paste.

“People think I have a disability and treat me as a victim. It’s fantastic, as I’m immune from all criticism as I’m now a minority. It’s a true win-win situation.”

Since gluing themselves to Marxist engineers, pollution and crime levels have drastically decreased due to the lack of traffic disturbances, and police can undertake actual police work rather than using tactical spatulas to free protestors from the road.