Bruce Pascoe turning pale with fear over stricter Aboriginal ancestry tests

Self-proclaimed Aboriginal Elder Bruce Pascoe has blamed his current whiteness due to fear of having to prove he is, indeed, Aboriginal.

The author, who claims that First Australians lived in progressive cities like the Jetsons meets Wakanda, promises he used to be black, as seen in his dark appearance in the 2020s Archibald Prize portrait, which the artist says was “definitely not blackface”.

One inner-city Sydneysider said he’s proud that his favourite Aboriginal is a white man.

“Retconning Aboriginals as technologically advanced superhumans is much more palatable than uncivilised hunters and gathers. It would be racist to say otherwise. Imagine eating a nonactivated Widgery grub. Gross!”

 Actual Aboriginals disagree.

“We’re proud of how we lived. We took from the land only what we needed and lived in relative harmony for forty thousand years, more than we can say for the divided hatred in the past two hundred years of white settlement encouraging us to play victims instead of the strong men and women we are.”

Bruce Pascoe is currently claiming land rights for Crown casino, the Sydney Opera house, and one of Jupiter’s moons for reparations for his tribe of one.

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