One desk jockey today said he couldn’t wait to knock off work so he could log out of his office computer and spend quality time with his home computer.

“Mindlessly scrolling on my work computer simply doesn’t give me the hit it does on my home computer,” said the man. “I’m looking at the same stuff, but at home, I can close the door, pretend I’m doing work, and ignore the family in peace without wearing trousers.”

The man added that he prevents dangerous screen withdrawals and real-world responsibilities by scrolling his phone on the walk to the train station, on the train ride itself, and then on his walk home.

The man said that he still feels like he is living for the weekend, where he can stay at home and be on the computer for 48 hours.

“We’re not sure what he does in there,” said his wife, referring to her husband’s home office. “But it must be super important, as he never leaves, and we haven’t seen him for years.”

The man confirmed that what he does is important, as “Reddit comments aren’t going to argue themselves.”

“I plan to retire comfortably at 86 with all the internet points [Reddit upvotes] I’ve racked up. I’m pretty sure they’re as valuable as cryptocurrency.”

Friends are worried about what will happen to the man when he “finishes” the internet after recent data shows that he has seen 97% of what’s on offer.

“Let’s hope they release the internet two by the time he reaches 100%.”