Qantas pilots forced to deliver Uber Eats to make ends meet

Qantas pilots today have said they will begin to deliver food for Uber Eats to hungry Australians, so they can still “put food on their own table” while flights are being delayed, cancelled, or missing.

“Don’t worry, we’re not delivering Qantas in-flight meals, lol,” said one pilot. “And just like your regular bicycle courier, we too don’t have to stop at red lights or follow any road rules. But instead of their lethargic 15km/h, we’ll be fanging your food at 930km/h.”

Customers have had mixed feedback so far. “My order arrived in 2 minutes, which was great, but half my order was sent to the wrong state, and I’m certain the captain used one of the paper carry bags as a sick bag.”

Teething issues like getting an Airbus A330 through a Macca’s drive-through, or sucking the person who ordered the food through the jet engine will be ironed out as they go.

“They’re doing fucking what now?” said Chief Executive Officer of Qantas Airways, Alan Joyce, when asked to comment. “For Christ’s sake, shit’s fucked,” he added.

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