The Sydney Opera House is set to be transformed into a club dedicated to electronic dance music and renamed the Sydney Deep House in a bid to revitalise the ageing icon.

“Nobody actually likes opera anymore, and to tell the truth I’m not sure if anyone ever enjoyed it,” a spokesperson for the Sydney Opera House said. “If we didn’t change with the times there was a real threat we’d be rezoned into another casino or handjob hut.”

The rebrand will see the main concert hall transformed into a nightclub with enough toilet cubicles to ensure no nose goes thirsty.

The Minister of Gurning said “the move will keep Sydney’s jaws swaying harder than Joe Biden on a bicycle”.

Unlike at the opera, fat ladies will not be permitted entry let alone let on stage.