A local man who promised a “big one” with his mates this Saturday night is already tucked into bed and fast asleep at 7 pm.

“Things went bad early on when he sharted himself after consuming two shandies at the RSL,” said his friend. “He didn’t even have the counter meal curry.”

“He does this every bloody time – talking up an epic bender boys’ night full of delicacies like binge drinking, dancing uncomfortably close to uninterested women, arrogance, and a nightcap at the brothel.”

Police are investigating the matter, and charges are expected to be made.

“This is rude and disrespectful,” said the Minister of Boys Nights. “He could have at least had a few toots of sharpening sugar to do his bit for his poor mates who are set to suffer nuclear hangover in the morning while he posts his dawn run on Instagram.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets the chair to send a message to others who smoke bomb early,” said the police commissioner.