In a world-first Johnny Depp has become the first man to win an argument with a woman by winning his defamation trial against his ex-wife Amber Heard in a story that went on for fucking ages.

The jury found Amber Heard was “as truthful as a fortune cookie” and were also relieved they never married her.

Johnny Depp is to receive $US15 million in damages which he said he’d be putting towards a few “mega pints” to celebrate.

The jury apologised for the verdict taking so long, saying they wanted to watch all of The Pirates of the Caribbean movies a couple of times instead of going back to their day job.

The judge said he understood completely and recommended the jury also watch “Edward Scissorhands” when they get home. “I still haven’t worked out how he relaxed in the darker hours with such deadly fingers,” said the judge. “Maybe Franny Fleshlightfingers was his girlfriend. Actually, don’t quote that, lol.”