God has urgently released a new patch to his aging Human Operating System overnight, dramatically increasing the current 10% processing power human brains can use.
God says he was forced to release the update due to an overall rise in idiotic decisions, making the world “a bit shit”.
“Despite a few mishaps like non-alcoholic beer, humanity was on a steady upswing for thousands of years,” said God. “But recently, things have taken a flaming nosedive.”
“I’ve tried sending Jesus down a few times, but the bloke keeps ending up in psych wards with a dozen other people claiming to be the Son of God,” he added. “Plus, he’s swamped playing Elden Ring at the minute.”
He added that he’d send a giant asteroid or something and start Earth all again if this fails, adding “but I hope it doesn’t come down to this I haven’t worked a six-day week for around 5000 years.”