The Minister for Health, Dr Nonstrife, has blamed patients for failing to present to their local emergency department months before experiencing symptoms from heart explosion to genital leprosy.

“With waiting room times averaging three weeks, by the time we’re ready to see the patient, they’re usually already dead, which is the height of rudeness,” said Nonstrife. “These timewasters are clogging up public resources and putting stress on nurses who are required to send a text message to the decease’s next of kin.

“Lack of patient responsibility for their wellbeing has made my job more boring than a wedding,” said one surgeon. “I’ve been working at Royal Prince Albert for three years now, and I’m yet to operate on a living patient.”

The government will launch a $1b advertising campaign to encourage people already experiencing ill health to isolate themselves at home until death to ease the burden on overstretched staff struggling to find places to hide corpses.