Today, the Australian government has announced the harshest financial sanctions on Russia in the world and Tasmania by exporting VIP lounges across Moscow.

“Pokies are our home-grown weapons of mass destruction,” said recently elected Prime Minister Anthony Albanese. “We may not have nukes or TikTok, but we have something far more crippling – Big Fuckin’ (sic) Red. That bastard never spits coins.”

Albanese confirmed Peter Panner, Queen of the Nile and that Mexican gentlemen who can never find a single chilli unless you hit a 1c feature will join the fight to cripple Russia’s economy.

The UN is optimistic about Australia’s extreme military tactics. “If it weren’t for global warming, this would send Russia back to the ice age,” said a senior UN spokesperson. “We predict Ukrainian tractors will capture the Kremlin in days after this move.”

Biological weapons such as complimentary party pies will also be deployed.