Pop culture icon and son of God, Jesus Christ, has announced he will be suing the bible for slander after an increase in people being “tools” in his name.

Speaking from heaven, Jesus told the Sydney Sentinel “I didn’t even know some of the gronks who wrote the thing.”

“It’s time I publish my own bible to share what I actually said and did,” he said. “And I won’t cut costs by using that bullshit wafer-thin paper.”

Jesus admits he made mistakes, citing when he turned water into wine.

“I just wanted people to like me,” said Jesus. “If I turned water into sparkling water nobody would have been impressed. But then everyone got so sledgehammered they made stuff up.”

Jesus hopes that by writing the bible himself, people will find peace within themselves, and everybody else his dad created.