A Sydney man has undergone intense questioning this morning after he returned home from having “a few quiet ones with the boys” at 3 am smelling shower fresh.

The man’s wife said it was “obvious” he’d been to the hand-job hut that recently opened between their home and the local pub.

“Since that rub-and-tug shop popped up, he comes home smelling radioactively fresh after any outing that involves booze,” she said. “But the man is a grub no matter how much dishwashing liquid they disinfect him with.”

While the man managed not to crack under his wife’s interrogation, he responded to an email query from The Sydney Sentinel with: “just between you and me, mate, I did get some harmless fun on my way home”.

“It’s those damn music video clips they have playing in the pub,” he said. “They’re basically musical pornos. Even before this new joint opened up, there were already 28 brothels and 12 Thai massage parlours in the two blocks between my house and the pub. It’s hard enough to get past them all sober but try doing it with 780 or so schooners under the belt – it’s harder than the Ninja Warrior challenge.”

Men’s “harmless fun” has been proven to be the number-one cause of harm for Australian women for the 80th consecutive year, according to a CSIRO report.