No More Long Hikes with Tight-arse Mates Trying to Avoid ATM Fees


Huge expeditions with tight-arse mates to find their bank’s ATM are set to become a thing of the past, with Australia’s big four banks all ditching ATM fees today.

“This will allow the boys to stay in the same beer garden for an entire afternoon,” one man said. “My tight-arse mates only ever get $20 from the ATM and it’s obvious to anyone who knows basic beer maths that it doesn’t make sense to pay a $2-plus fee for that withdrawal, so we always have to pull up stumps and move on after every round. This destroys all momentum for anyone who’s had some luck with a bird.”

However, experts have warned that of unexpected consequences, with obesity rates set to balloon.

“I’m not sure how I’m going to stay fit any more,” one friend of a tight-arse said. “A walk to another suburb or state to find a fee-less ATM between pubs always helped burn off a schoon or two.”

To make up for lost profits, the big four banks plan to charge a $90 fee for logging onto internet banking.

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