Government funding for private schools is being reassessed this week after a new study revealed teachers have been giving students lines of coke rather than asking them to write out lines in books, a classic punishment used in public schools.

Private school teachers have defended their actions, saying that it was an “easy mistake to make”, especially after a few shots of gin at little lunch.

“When the principal told me to give out lines to students who misbehave, I never dreamed she meant asking them to write things repeatedly – that would’ve just required students to copy and paste a sentence on their new MacBook Pros, and I can’t see the point of that,” one teacher said.

“Doing lines of coke, on the other hand, really helps some students to sharpen their focus and prepares them for the real world, where they’ll need to be able to network with other private school graduates at exclusive clubs and parties.”

Public schools have expressed some sympathy for the misunderstanding, with gym teachers noting they faced similar criticisms after giving ice to students with sprains.