Two major supermarkets today announced they will be ripping out self-service checkouts and replacing them with self-service TAB terminals, in a desperate bid to recover profits lost to rampant theft.

“Customers have been ripping us off for far too long. This is the perfect way to even the playing field and recuperate some of the profits we lost because of dirty, thieving organic vegetable lovers,” a supermarket spokesperson said.

“Our system told us sales of brown onions were through the roof, which led to the mass over-ordering and stockpiling of brown onions, which weren’t actually selling at all, and left us with huge shortages of organic produce, smoked salmon, lobsters and mangoes.”

If the self-service TAB terminals prove a hit, both supermarkets have vowed to stop selling food completely and fill all floor space with poker machines.