Following the positive reaction to Ruben Wiki’s acceptance into the NRL Nines tournament, the National Rugby League board is drafting an emergency change to the 2017 season requiring all clubs to field a retired player in each game.

Players have welcomed the move, with retired star John Hopoate among the first to put his hand up. “I’ve been thumbing around for a few years now without much to do, but if the Seagulls want me, I’ll make a fist of it,” he said.

“Wests have already been in touch,” former Blues warhorse Tommy Raudonikis said between tinnies. “I can’t wait to bring back the biff – these inked-up roid monsters won’t know what’s hit them.”

Another prominent league legend said the move would be as good for him and his peers as it would for the game.

“I can’t wait to gain a few groupies back and hit The Cross after games,” he said. “My wag has become a bit of a sag in recent times. Let’s make league great again.”

Plans to convince veteran players the halftime syringe is simply a vitamin C shot to replace the oranges and beers they used to enjoy are yet to be finalised.